I took a little break from writing because I needed to sort a few things out with myself. For one, I needed to understand why it is that I blog, at least a little more completely. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, as my life changes in little ways every day, and in big ways in the background.
I don’t get a whole lot of feedback, so I had to ask myself “Who am I writing for?” In many blogs I began writing, I realized I was writing for myself. I needed to sort things out, understand myself better. I’ve been doing this periodically for years, when I feel the need for change. Usually, it involves me writing down things I want, asking myself a series of whys, and realizing I have conflicting desires.
Essentially, my writing has been the same. Writing puts me face to face with a number of conflicting desires that I have. For a few examples: I want to teach, but feel unqualified because I’m still learning; I want to beat my addiction to thinking, but writing is essentially me expressing my thoughts; the conflict between writing for me, and writing for you, because I don’t actually know who you are. Well maybe I do, but really I don’t. You see all these conflicts?
It took some time, but I realized a few things. I’m not actually writing to teach, I’m just here to share ideas and experiences in which someone may find valuable lessons. I’m simply sharing what I’m learning as I go, even though I don’t have it all figured out. And maybe, someone will find lessons that help them.
I understand now that I am qualified to speak about my experiences. After all, they are mine. I am definitely qualified to speak how I beat a decade-long depression without doctors or medication. I am definitely qualified to speak about how to use your mind more effectively. I also understand that there are things I am not qualified to talk about, like how to stop thinking.
My thinking has taught me a lot, but there are times when I am unable to turn it off, and in my attempts to sleep better, this is a problem for me. Now that I’ve separated that issue from writing, I am back.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I needed some time. It’s not you, it’s me…