I may be a little odd, but I’m surely also very awed. I’m awed by how little people speak about the enemy within. It’s not possible that I’m the only one who fights him, so allow me to speak a little bit about this enemy…
For me, he first took the form of self-consciousness, then he grew into feelings of inadequacy, and he eventually grew into full-blown suicidal depression. Luckily for me, I was able to separate myself from his spell, and eventually realize my role in his growth. It took some time to break him down to pieces, years actually, but I definitely did slay that beast.
At first, I had to slay him daily. He would ressurect in my mind every day, and the more I would look at him, the bigger he got. Luckily, I’d eventually step back and realize that my gaze was what made him grow. It became a game in a sense. Dragon shows up, grows with energy from my attention, I recognize it, I look to the flowers instead, the dragon shrinks to slayable size, and then I slay him. Then repeat, daily. Maybe even hourly, or minutely at times.
Since those days, the resurrections are less frequent, but much more clever. He seems to be catching me these days in a more minuscule form. It’s like he’s evolved into an earwig, and is playing a stealthier game.
Part of me feels that the more I evolve, the more he evolves. Strategies that worked in the past, he’s outsmarted at this point. Simply turning my gaze away from the demons to what I appreciate, isn’t going to work against an earwig who’s building an army. They’re not as obvious and shrinkable as dragons, so they’re slipping by unnoticed, and that’s exactly his play.
It feels like it’s time to step up my game, because I’m being outplayed. It’s as if my dragon of depression has evolved into an earwig of dissatisfaction.
I don’t have it all figured out yet, but maybe that’s my play. I’m already anticipating the evolution to cute and cuddly kittens.
I hope you feel this, and that you forgive my future self for slaying cuddly kittens. Whether dragon, earwig, or kitten, I’m here to war with the enemy within until the end.