I’ve been striving for change lately, and sometimes I forget how challenging real change really is. It’s not that I’m not happy (I’ve actually gotten pretty good with the skill of gratitude), I’m just not feeling “fulfilled”. There’s an underlying hum of dissatisfaction within myself, like an air conditioner humming in the background that’s constantly just slightly annoying, more so when it’s quiet and lonely.
My real change has always come from me taking a good, deep look at myself, and asking some serious questions. Basically, I find myself trying to break into my subconscious to understand why I do the things I do, feel the things I feel and think the thoughts I do. The challenge is that down there, there’s an understanding that everything is my fault. That can be hard to swallow at times, and overwhelming in the face of how much work there appears to be.
Over the years, I’ve built this air conditioner in ways that served my needs at the time, and the times have certainly changed. It used to be that the hum would drown out the world for me, because all I wanted to do was escape. That hum was always there for me when the world left me feeling lonely. That hum was my mind, my best friend. Every moment of every day, I had it with me.
I’ve come to understand that I over-relied on the tools I built into my A.C. The tool of escaping reality by communicating with my mind has certainly been abused to the point of being a habit I don’t even recognize. It’s the constant hum that I simply don’t hear, until it stops.
I never really knew that life without mind was possible. My mind has been running so hard for so long that I didn’t know it was possible to not think. It’s hard to say I’ve even lived, given the few moments that I experience without mind, without self.
I’ve been gaining glimpses of moments where the hum stops, and there is peace for a second. I feel these are necessary glimpses, to help me get a taste of what living really is.
I know that meditation is a path I must walk, and thus I present to you: my crawl. Much love to you and your crawl.